Let Go Of The Banana

Random Thoughts

2006-03-03T21:35:00.000-08:00

1. My ex really was ugly
2. In general, I suck as a human being
3. Nobody should have two girlfriends
4. If you don't want kids, menstruating should be optional
5. I always thought I was just average in bed. The past two days
have proven me wrong
6. But yeah, in general, I still suck as a person
7. Maybe I am just not the type of girl who should be in actual relationships
8. I have only dated hot girls, except the ugly ex, and I dated her the longest
9. Apparently, I not only suck, but I am also stupid
10.I am pretty sure that at the end of all this, all three of us will be hurt
11. Damn, I suck

2006-02-22T13:44:00.000-08:00

So, I fucked up. I moved here to let go of the demons from my past. How was I to know that most of those demons were inside of me?

Everything started out so well. I met M, I fell in love and believed I could be with her forever. And then I met A. She somehow managed to take hold of my heart and left me confused and scared. Not knowing what to do, I took the advice of a friend. It should have dawned on me that this advice may be tainted, as she was a close friend of A's and only wanted the best for her. This advice led me to break up with M and begin a relationship with A. The night of the break up was one of the worst nights of my life. We both sobbed and held eachother for a long time. She let me know how much she was hurting and how she would always be in love with me. We made love. All the while I was questioning my decision and didn't know if I could possibly leave M. And then I left.

With A, it did seem easy and warm. She expressed all of her feelings for me, making me nervous due to their intensity. We became closer and closer. "I love you"s were exchanged. I was still afraid that my fickle heart was playing with me, and in turn, I was going to hurt others. I thought of M endlessly, but I also found that I cared for A very much. They have both been hurt by others in the past. They both expected that I would never be like the rest. A is the most vulnerable. Her romantic history is brief and she has been rejected so very many times. She recently lost a large part of her family due to various ailments. She is so fragile. I don't want to be the one to ever hurt her. Yet M also plagues my mind and my heart. They are both so giving and loving. They are both so kind.

What do I do now? Or do I just wait for my time to burn in hell?

Enough is enough

2006-01-30T08:51:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have had it. I have been continuing the same old cycle for way too long now and I am done! To the ugly wench: burn in hell, bitch.

2006-01-14T20:13:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wish you could shut off your brain for just a little while? My mind is reeling, and all because of somebody else's stupidity. I need to stop thinking.

2006-01-13T01:09:00.000-08:00

She used to brag about how much she masturbated. A treasure chest sat in her bedroom filled with various devices to aid her in this hobby. We never had sex. That isn't true, we rarely had sex. During the last nine months of our relationship, we were down to once a month. I wanted to believe her; we were too busy, too tired or just in a rut. After a while, she even stopped masturbating. I think she felt too guilty, knowing that she was fantasizing about somebody other than me.

I couldn't get over it and I couldn't rationalize it. I could only wonder what was wrong with me.

2006-01-12T14:21:00.000-08:00

I was crying uncontrollably. I wasn't used to crying, I hadn't actually cried in years. Lately, though, I would break down at the slightest provocation. The day before, a lemonade commercial had me sobbing for an hour. That's what going off the meds does to you, at least that's what they told me. Withdrawal or some shit like that.

But now I had something real to cry about. For a year and a half I had been dating and living with a girl who I thought was a hindrance. I had truly believed that something was wrong with her or me. I suddenly realized that it was all ending, and that I had been wrong. I loved her. I loved her deeply. Everything that she had ever done or said was haunting me. I knew that she was in the apartment next to ours, connecting with the plain girl with the bad hair. And there was nothing I could do.

2006-01-11T23:35:00.000-08:00

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt this ugly.

2006-01-08T01:48:00.000-08:00

Unfortunate task of deleting all of my ex's stuff off of my computer was finally finished today. She certainly did take a lot of pictures of herself! And she really wasn't that attractive. At all. A friend told me about S' new chickie and she is rather ugly too. That shouldn't make me feel better, but I am a shallow fuck, so it does make me feel a tad pleased.

2006-01-06T22:01:00.000-08:00

Well, I still can't believe all of this. I spent the last week with M. In case you were wondering, we didn't wait. We really, really tried. I kind of like the fact that our "first time" was New Year's day. If this goes anywhere, that is a pretty cool anniversary. Of course, everything is very intense right now, which always scares the hell out of me, but I am trying to stay clear.

This whole thing also brings some clarity to my last relationship. I had almost forgotten what passion really was. S and I never had it, or maybe she never had it. I really don't know. I do know that it was never like this. I am not sure if S even had the ability to feel something like that. She was so busy faking life that I don't think she had time to feel anything real.

So, now I am with M and I can't remember ever being this happy. We went tubing this week with a couple of friends and had the best time. Y can scream like no other. We all tumbled a few times, but there weren't any real injuries, just a few bruises. And we all know a lot more about each other now than you should ever know about your friends! Seriously, Y, is there any place in Charlie's where you haven't had sex?

2005-12-31T12:37:00.000-08:00

Ah, it is the big night. I actually do get to spend it with M, which I am very happy about. I have finally stopped being nervous! I haven't seen her since tuesday, though we have talked everyday since. The hard part is that we are waiting. I am not very good at this. I think normally I could handle it, but she is so damn hot, and she is so passionate. Apparently, she is usually very guarded and not a very touchy person. When she is with me though, you would never know it.

We are actually going to be spending the next five days together. That freaks me out a bit. On tuesday she is taking me tubing at one of the resorts. I can't wait, it is going to be so much fun! We will be spending the night in a hotel, but fortunately her friend will also be there. I just don't have that much will power. I look at her, and well, I want to jump her.

I never thought this would happen to me, especially not now. I was all set to hold out for at least six months. I didn't even think I would be able to look at another person the way I looked at S. I thought S was perfect, I had no idea! Is it really possible to have it all?

2005-12-27T20:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, I was wrong. Still I admit I love her unconditionally, but I met someone. And she is absolutely incredible. We spent the last 24 hours together and we are going out for a date on Monday. She wants to spend New Years Eve together too, but I already have plans. I can't believe how much can change so quickly.

2005-12-25T23:42:00.000-08:00

It has been quite a while since I have posted here. Well, I am today b/c I needed a little privacy. Hee hee. Anyway, the thing is, you see.. well. I was in love with a girl, completely. I think she may have loved me too. For my part, I didn't know how to love. What was once wonderful and exciting quickly became twisted and ugly. All I knew was fear and torment. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I knew that something just wasn't right.

She, if she loved me at all, could not trust anybody, especially me. Since she always expected to be hurt, she never let me in. In her defense, I did manage to fulfill those expectations. And she did the same to me.

Somebody once told me that those who stay to fight it out with you are the ones who love you most. At the end, I fought as hard as I could. She chose not to fight at all. Instead, she found somebody else to love, very quickly. Actually, she found the person before we actually broke up. I would love to say that I have accepted this, that I have accepted the fact that she loves somebody else and was able to give me up without a second thought. But ya know, I am trying really hard not to lie, and who would actually believe any of that anyway?

When I can block out the new girl in her life, I try to figure out what actually went wrong. I can't speak for S. Maybe she wasn't ready, maybe she didn't know what she wanted, maybe she thought I just sucked. Who knows? I am getting a better handle on my role in the disaster. Nobody likes to be hurt, especially by somebody they love so much. My response to this fear was to try to be in control. Really, this just means that I convinced myself that I didn't care for her as much as she cared for me. To prove this, I went to the extreme. I did everything I could to hurt her, to make sure that I appeared distant, and to be sure that I had other options. I sound like a great girlfriend, don't I? She had her own tactics, but I can't explain her life for her.

The thing is, what do I do now? I still love her, I still miss her. I am getting better about it all. I am moving on. I don't feel like I can date somebody else at this point. That may be a good thing though. Maybe I can actually have a good relationship someday. Somewhere, in the back of my head, I still wish that relationship could be with her.

Damn, at some point, I have to get her out of my head! Tomorrow I am actually going into a bar in Denver (one where they have actual gay people... ooh!), and I have been talking to a girl from around here. Who knows?

uh oh

2005-12-03T07:15:00.000-08:00

Okay, about 4 am I started freaking out. I have never made such a huge change in my life - ever.
I am the person who has never taken a risk. Yeah, I am scared now.

Lamenting...

2005-12-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

I leave tomorrow. I don't know how I am going to do this. I am so excited, yet so terrified. I haven't even started packing!!!!!!! And tonight I will not have any time because I had to squeeze all of my goodbye visits into one night. Fortunately, I have few remaining friends here, otherwise I would be screwed!

I did write an email to Drew last night, just to say that I couldn't fathom why she would believe all of the lies that were told to her. I really can't believe she doesn't know me better than that, or what I possibly could have done while we were together that resulted in her being able to think that I am some monster. I am not a monster!! I am a sweetheart! Okay, maybe I am not that sweet and nice, but I am a good person. It is amazing to me that break-ups can result in such twisted vision.

Well, blah. If she needs to think that she has somehow saved herself by ending our relationship, then so be it. There was a lot missing in our relationship anyway. No passion, never a good thing.

Three days...

2005-11-30T19:51:00.000-08:00

I will be flying out of here on Saturday. I have not packed a single freaking thing! How do you pack up your entire life??? I don't know where to start. There are still so many things left to do. I have been trying to fit in time to see every person here that I will miss, while trying to wrap up my job at the office and train the new girls. There is no time!!

I think I am going to be sick!

2005-11-27T15:07:00.000-08:00

I leave for Colorado in six short days, and they cannot possibly come soon enough. Yesterday, I picked up the last of my stuff from the ex-best friend's house. She actually tried to justify her lies to my mother. Truth is, I made a mistake, and hurt somebody in the process. The ex-best friend (Aleeonne) intentionally set out to ruin me by spreading lies all over this freaking town. I can't believe my ex-girlfriend actually believed her, fully, and made me into a joke. Oh well, my mom did tell Aleeonne that she is pretty much evil. Although, the combination of my mother's sweetness and Aleeonne's ignorance probably made her think it was a compliment.

I had another seizure this week. I was pretty much expecting it, I was at the 6 month mark. I think it is God's way of telling me I will never drive again. This time, I was lucky enough to fall onto the bathtub. I now have an incredible black eye and a really bruised up shoulder. I look like I am wearing purple and green eyeshadow on just one eye. My mother actually suggested that I put matching eyeshadow on the other eye, and she was serious. She always has been such a fashion diva.

I miss Drew.

Okay, a little bit of terror...

2005-11-23T21:08:00.000-08:00

So, I am starting to get nervous about this moving thing. I knew it would come. My biggest concerns are about the people I am leaving behind. My family, my megha, smits. Oddly enough, I also keep letting Drew go through my mind as well. I am not sure why. She has already been approached by the two gals who have been lying about me to anybody who will listen. And, she believed them. That stung. I can point out a hundred things that were wrong in our relationship, but at the moment, only the good times come to mind. I am pretty sure we will never speak again, and I know the memories will fade, but I still have a sense that it could have been something really great if we didn't do so much to screw it up. Ah well, I am probably just feeling lonely. Most of what I say tends to be bull anyway.

Seriously though, what if there aren't any gay folks out in Breckenridge????

I can't believe I am really doing this

2005-11-17T13:46:00.000-08:00

I am moving in two weeks. Ithaca, NY to Breckenridge, CO. I don't even know how to ski. I am in shock. I am really excited, but I am afraid terror is going to set in soon. I have never done anything like this before. Hell, I went to college all of two hours away from here.

In all honesty, as much as I love Ithaca, I don't think I will ever come back. I will be taking paralegal courses out there, and then moving on to law school. Here, I am an office manager at a medical practice. I love my bosses and I don't know how I am going to exist without them, but I want a real future. I want the career, I want to do something I love and am passionate about. I can't do that here. Truth is, there is nothing here for me anymore, except my family. I will miss them horribly and the idea of not seeing them all the time makes me a little sick. This is best though, and they are all supporting me. And I really can't wait to get away from the ridiculous life I have created for myself here.

Aside from the fact that it is really cold and snowy, does anyone know anything about Breckenridge? Any good clubs? Any gay community at all?

HAHAHA

2005-11-11T12:48:00.000-08:00

WOO HOO, WOO HOO HOO! WOO HOO, WOO HOO HOO! I would tell you why I am so happy right now, but then I would have to kill you!

What are they thinking???

2005-11-10T07:57:00.000-08:00

Get this...I have two dates this week, with two different girls. If you add K to this mix, I am in way over my head. Fortunately, K knows the deal and shouldn't be a problem, but the rest...I don't even know what to think! I keep wondering why anybody would be interested in me, let alone two incredible women. Fuck! The one girl is so hot too!!!!!!!!!! And they are both funny and sweet and wonderful.

While this feels great, I am getting so scared at the same time. First, I don't think I am ready for a serious relationship. I am not like Drew, I can't just leap from one relationship to the next. I tend to guard my heart anyway, and after a relationship ends I am generally in the defense mode. Second, how the hell do I handle more than one person at a time??

I think I am getting ahead of myself here. They are just first dates, and could result in great friendships, or even just go nowhere. Plus, it has been 2 months since Drew and I broke up, and over eight months since I realized I didn't love her. I definitely feel like myself again, instead of feeling like an actress playing the part of girlfriend. I seem to be opening up in an entirely new way...trusting people, not playing mind games, etc..

Two months ago, I would have never imagined myself in this place. It is incredible, I feel confident and happy most of the time. And the excitement for what is ahead is almost overwhelming. Thank you Drew, you accidentally saved me.

Nice freaking weekend...

2005-10-31T08:50:00.001-08:00

Cool things that happened this weekend:
1. Got hit on a lot!
2. Went on a shopping spree!!! New clothes - woo hoo, haven't had anything new in about a year!
3. Realized I have gone down a size
4. Danced all friday night
4. Hung out with the family all sunday, including the lil sis. She has been far away for the past
two months and just returned friday
5. Did I mention I got hit on a lot???

Not-so-cool things that happened this weekend:
1. Went home with one girl, and I really shouldn't have! She's hot, but it can't possibly go
anywhere and I am worried I may be ruining a really great friendship.
2. Made K very angry by going home with said girl.
3. Watched my best friend put down Drew in front of a mutual acquaintance and could not stop
her. I am already pretty much isolated from the gay community at this point, this cannot help. Plus, there is nothing wrong with Drew, she's just blah and not for me.

2005-10-20T08:25:00.000-07:00

I have been so ridiculously happy this week, I am kind of scaring myself. I feel high all of the time. It helps that I have been talking to the girl a lot, although I do want to keep to my 6 month rule. If I date anybody sooner than 6 months after a breakup, I find that I end up in a rebound relationship. I need my time to regroup and well, cheesy as it may sound, find myself again. Even though I can't say that I was really in love in my last relationship, I still need to be able to look at anybody new with a fresh perspective. Plus, I have realized that I really need to work on being open and honest with my feelings, including allowing myself to admit it if I am not where I want to be.

So, the girl will be a great friend for right now, and who knows what will happen down the line...anything is possible. I have already found myself opening up to her a lot more than most people, and that has been shocking.

I think I am going to change the title of my blog. "Stagnant" no longer seems to fit. I am definitely transforming and moving ahead. I have even started the registration process for classes next semester! Any ideas on a new name??

What a wonderful world

2005-10-18T06:07:00.000-07:00

Ooh, I love the Ramones. Things have been going so well lately, I almost can't believe it myself. I finally have my new phone, met an incredible girl, and have somehow managed to lose weight. I mean, this being dumped thing is really working out for me! And get this, I heard that the ex, who shall be referred to as "Drew" from this point on, is officially dating another girl...and I didn't even care. I actually laughed...I won't explain further, as it kind of makes me seem mean. The great part is, since Drew has officially moved on, I should be able to finally go into the bar where she works without her reacting in a "hypersensitive" manner (her words, not mine).

On the darker side of things, if one more guy hits on me I am just going to start wearing a t-shirt saying "I am gay, bastard, leave me the fuck alone"!

Happy fall everybody!

P.S. To any epileptic friends out there, I have been seizure free for five months now, and my new meds don't even give me brain fog!

Why you should never have sex in a bar...

2005-10-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

So, last night was my bestfriend's 25th birthday. We ended up at the Chanti, which is where we generally hang out. It was your regular, run of the mill evening. Nothing too exciting, ah but then...we hear a commotion at the back of the bar. The bartender was yelling at two of my friends and kicked them out of the bar. Why? Because they were having sex in the bathroom!! Now, I could almost understand if the bathroom was clean, or even decent. However, the bathroom at the Chanti is one of the most disgusting places I have ever been in. I wonder what it was that turned them on...the stench, the mold, the graffitti or just the excitement of being able to screw somebody while gazing upon the piss on the floor. I have to admit though, I couldn't stop laughing as I watched them exit the bar with their heads hanging down in shame.

Let go of the banana!

2005-10-12T06:28:00.000-07:00

It has been a pretty exciting couple of days in my little world. I ended up going to a 3 day seminar that was incredibly fun and inspiring, which I really didn't expect. I even tried to call the ex to apologize for never allowing our relationship to last, or even really get started. She wasn't very receptive ( I know, the shock is just unbelievable), but at least I was able to get some closure. And get this, I actually spoke in front of about one hundred people. I thought I was going to throw up, but I did it.

I also met the most amazing people. I generally have a hard time connecting with anybody, but I found that I adore these people and never want to lose touch. One girl in particular made me laugh so hard and feel that little spark again. She lives about two hours away though, but she just opened up a whole new realm of possibility for me. And she's so damn cute, I just can't stand it!

Well, I'm off! I am technically working right now, but I am just feeling a bit too excited to actually get anything done. Maybe I will try to call my friend kris instead, I am sure he's not doing anything, if he is actually awake.

The Sound of Settling

2005-10-06T07:10:00.000-07:00

Last night's epiphany: Never settle for somebody you don't love, you will still get screwed in the end.

On the bright side of things, I love my new place. I thought it would be too crowded and rather irritating. Instead, I love having a little family around, kind of watching out for me. And they have been making me laugh constantly. My room is small, but perfect. It is even painted yellow, my favorite color. The landlord left us a lot of antiques that she didn't need. They really add a nice touch to everything. My favorite part is the back yard. It is just beautiful. There are grapes growing on vines, a rose bush and a cute little garden. We sit outside almost every night for at least a little while. I can actually see the stars!

I have also been getting the usual come-on lines, even more so lately, but nobody I am interested in. I even told leeonne to make sure J knew that we would never be together. I am pretty impressed with myself considering my fears of being alone had a big impact on how long I was with the ex.

I have plans with a friend tonight, and I think it should be a lot of fun. I still can't go to the main bar in town, since the ex works there and may as well own the place. I figure in a month or two I will be able to go back. She should be able to get over the awkwardness by then, especially considering she is the one with a new girlfriend. I can't wait to see how tonight goes...

An ending that set me free

2005-10-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize how long it had been since I have written. Life for the past six months has been just bad enough to keep me from allowing myself to reveal too much. The emotions that I seemed to be lacking proved to be the same for my girlfriend, or rather ex-girlfriend. I spent so much of my time when we were together trying to believe it was okay, that somehow I would stop wanting to leave. I was sure she could sense it, despite my efforts to hide my feelings, or lack thereof.

We broke up recently (ha ha, she dumped my ass - but you can't blame me for trying to sugarcoat it). I had to move into a new apartment and completely change my life. I knew before that I was settling for comfort and stability, hoping that some passion and love would emerge. That really didn't make it hurt less, mainly because rumor has it that she left me for somebody new. I do feel good about the fact that I did try to work things out and that I didn't give up. My friends are having a hard time understanding my feelings now, as they were the ones I confided in during our relationship and witnessed my horrible behavior at the time. I have a hard time understanding it myself. I guess my own vanity and my fear of change are probably to blame for most of my pain.

So, now I move on. It seemed to be impossible at first, but things have started to turn around. Making out with somebody new helped that, at least temporarily, but the idea of having a good relationship with somebody who can truly feel is replacing the pain with excitement. I feel like I have a real chance now, and that I won't have to settle. And I really can't wait for tonight...it should be interesting.

Uh oh

2005-08-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

Did you ever wake up to realize that nobody in your life really knows you? Even those closest to you have no idea, because you have been faking it all along. I am having one of those horrifying moments.

Wow.

2005-06-20T09:24:00.000-07:00

Hoo la la... I did something right! And get this, I will be moving into a great apartment downtown on July 1st, AND my new job will start on August 1st. I get to tell my bitch boss that she can take her homophobic, nasty, racist ass and just go ahead and fuck herself. I just might also tell her that since she felt the need to illegally penalize me for having seizures, I am going to follow through with EEOC investigation. Lets see if she says "it's not like you have a disability" then.

Enough of the negativity, this is a wonderful day, a day for celebrating! And, vacation is only four days away. Life is looking pretty good.

Roughing It

2005-06-19T07:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, my coworkers were discussing one doctor who is currently "roughing it" because she is starting her own practice and not making as much money as she could be elsewhere. Apparently, "roughing it" includes buying a house, owning a car, being able to start a business and go on vacation. They were all describing how they could not possibly live that way and how they admire her so. Granted these are people who take trips to Europe and the Carribean on a regular basis, but still, they should have some sort of perspective.

Last month, there was no water in my apartment for four days, and we are still not allowed to drink the water that we do have. My hair is three different colors because I refuse to pay to get it cut and colored again. My vacation this year will be to New Jersey and is being paid for by my aunt. And it is New Jersey! I am very happy I get to go on vacation, though. I eat a lot of microwave macaroni and cheese, simply because it is cheap. My car really should be in a junkyard somewhere.

Damn, I think I need to start "roughing it".

Working for the weekend

2005-06-18T08:58:00.000-07:00

I love my job on the weekends. There are no supervisors. I get to work with great people and the atmosphere is fun and laid back. Everybody does a good job, works well, but without the ridiculous amount of stress that we have to endure during the week. It is wonderful!

As a side note, my lovely boss sent an e-mail to the entire staff that included an entire paragraph telling everybody how wonderful I am! It was quite a surprise considering that I was just given a written warning two days ago and told that my repeated negative behavior and seizures would get me in big trouble (read:fired). I guess telling her that what she was doing was illegal according to the federal and state disability laws may have worked in my favor. Either that or she is covering her own ass and is going to fire me anyway!Woo hoo! Everyday is an adventure around here.

Hey. I am epileptic. Please screw me over.

2005-06-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

Today was just horrible. Not all of it, really. I mean, for the most part, my day was not bad. There were even some good moments. But there was one half an hour of time that managed to destroy not only my day, but probably the next couple of weeks.

You see, I have been having a very hard time at work. I am not exactly sure why. I am good at my job. I get a lot of commendations and compliments for being good at my job (I am a receptionist, it really doesn't take much to succeed in my line of work). I do work in an emergency health care facility where there is a high level of stress, but I have worked there a long time and am known for being very adept in any situation. For some reason, in the last six months, I have been getting in trouble for ridiculous reasons. Interestingly enough, they all have something to do with one coworker, the lead receptionist. Apparently, I am not supporting her enough and I am making her look stupid in front of the other receptionists. I have been told that if she is wrong about an issue or makes a mistake I need to take her aside and tell her. This is fine with me. Unfortunately, this woman really is an idiot and I have nothing to do with her looking stupid, she does it all by herself.

Today, I was actually given a written warning. This is one step away from being fired. All because I have, yet again, unknowingly made this woman look stupid. While reading the warning, I noticed that it is actually made up of lies. Complete lies. Not even exaggerations, blatant lies! I don't understand how this can be happening. I am a normal person. I try to do the right thing. I have always been nice to this woman, helping her out whenever she needed me. So what the hell is going on? Can somebody tell me why people do this? I feel like I am being trapped, but I don't know why. I am not a threat to this woman, she has to know I don't want her job. So, what is it?

And then I remember the epilepsy. I remember it because the bosses bring up my absences. They tell me that my evaluation will include a negative rating due to my absences. When I mention that I have relatively few absences on the whole (no absences from january to may, and then 5 days in the middle of may), and that all of my days off were due to seizures, they say this doesn't matter. I protest further, saying that it does matter, I have written excuses from my doctor saying I cannot be at work, so the absences cannot count against me. The reply is "well, we are trying to run a business here". I say that this is ridiculous and illegal according to the state's family leave and disability laws, and they respond that they don't see my seizures as a disability. Then what do they see my seizures as???? When I lose consciousness and hit the floor, when my body starts shaking and I start foaming at the mouth, when I bite my tongue and wake up having no idea where or who I am and the headache from hell sets in...what the fuck do they see that as??? A cold? A bad case of the sniffles? I am not asking for special priveleges. I just want to use the sick days that I have allotted to me.

And it just occurred to me. This didn't start until I had a seizure at work. Great.

2005-06-15T09:54:00.000-07:00

My best friend. He's a happy-go-lucky type of guy, can't you tell?

2005-06-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I just figured out how to get pictures on my blog...but isn't he cute??? That's my Gus.

2005-06-12T21:26:00.000-07:00

Me @ the only "club" in town

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!

2005-06-12T08:29:00.000-07:00

It is hot. It is muggy. It is humid. It is time for this to end. My skin is sticky and gross no matter how many times I shower. I finally had two days off from work and they have been spent sitting in front of the fan cursing the gods of weather. Okay, I don't know if there are weather gods, but I am pissed at the rain gods for not getting here fast enough. I would just like to say, that this is just one more reason I should be moving to Canada, as if Bush was not reason enough.

Why dogs should be included on your health insurance

2005-06-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

Now, I know that some people see their pets as just pets. I don't actually know any of those people. For the rest of us, pets are part of the family, and for me, my dog is pretty much my child. I don't have kids, I am not sure I will ever have kids. I think it is only fair that since I consider him to be my child, he should be included on my health insurance. In case you are beginning to wonder why this would even be an issue, I will tell you about my week and my poor baby's surgery.

I noticed that my dog, Megha, had been limping quite a bit. He has had problems with his legs in the past, and had surgery last year on his right knee. So, I took him to the vet on thursday and was told that his left knee would need the same kind of surgery. The only other option would be to allow the tendons in his leg to continue to deteriorate until he just could not walk anymore. So, okay, surgery. No big deal, right? I mean, I pay all his vet bills, they are all expensive if you think about it, equal to people's doctors visits. Oh, but wait! We have insurance!!!!!!!! So the vet, an orthopedic surgeon, wants me to pay him thousands of dollars in four days. When he told me this, I giggled. And then I kind of choked because I was crying at the same time. I am a receptionist. I don't have thousands of dollars lying around! So, I cried, and I talked and I kind of moped until a payment arrangement was made. Four days was extended to forty-five days. It isn't great, but it is do-able.

And now, my Megha is home. His surgery is over and he is still in pain, but his leg will be better.
Most important, he is safe and healthy. My point is simply this, we need to join together and make pet insurance a normal part of our health insurance. I know you can purchase insurance for your pets. I am suggesting something beyond this. I am proposing adding their healthcare to our own insurance. Otherwise, beautiful babies like Megha cannot get the treatment they really need. The truth is, I have never spent this much on anything in my life. In reality, I will be living on pennies for the next two months and will probably have to piss off a few debtors in order to pay for his surgery. To me, it was worth it, but there really needs to be another option, like, maybe trading in a kidney or other body part in exchange for veterinary services.

How do I get myself into these situations?

2005-05-31T09:33:00.000-07:00

So, I became friends with this rather odd woman recently who I found, well, interesting. Originally, I met her at work and wanted to help her out because she was in a tough spot. We started hanging out and it soon became clear that her intentions went beyond friendship. Now, I say this because she lunged at my face, stuck her tongue down my throat and grabbed my breast. Yeah, I was a little surprised. See, I really thought she knew that I just wanted to be friends since we were at the home of me and my GIRLFRIEND when this happened, and I felt like I hadn't done anything to lead her on.

Now, normally, I would have just told her to get off of me and explained that I don't have feelings for her and again mentioned that I already have a GIRLFRIEND. There is one little problem though. The woman is from Bosnia, is deaf, and does not understand or speak English fluently. So, sometimes things get a little confusing. Plus, she tends to be a little temperamental. I felt I needed to handle things delicately.

I gently sat her down. Let's call her Medusa (my girlfriend's petname for her). I calmly told Medusa that I really do like her (cause I do), but as a friend, not as anything more. She continued to push as to why I don't want to be her girlfriend so I tried to give a padded explanation. I started with the basics, mainly the fact that I already have a GIRLFRIEND who I love. Then I made the mistake of naming the differences between Medusa and myself. For example, she is a neat freak and I am a slob. And then there is the age difference. I told her that the fact that she is 20 years older than me really is a big difference. (Please note that I did not point out that she is older than my mother, needs to have her teeth fixed and seems to be balding, even though I could have!) I ended by saying that I really just want to be her friend and that I hope she understands. I thought she did.

Then, I got the e-mail. The e-mail in which she called my parents illiterate peasants. I think she also called them Jews, but I am not sure why, since I am not Jewish, but then again, my parents also aren't illiterate peasants. She went on to explain how Americans are the products of the devil, particularly lesbians, who are only out to infect unsuspecting Bosnians with AIDS. I am really not kidding here. In the end, she mentioned that it would be impossible for us to be friends. I would have to say, yes Medusa, you are definitely right on that one!

Does medication induced stuttering count as a disability??

2005-05-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

So, here's the scenario...I am put on a new medication to control my seizures. I let my boss know of this ahead of time so that she won't be surprised by any side effects of the medications, such as memory loss or difficulty "finding" words. It actually doesn't prevent me from doing my job since I can perform a role that is scripted, much the same way an actor would. The only areas I have trouble are when I am trying make a point on my own, unrehearsed.

This became a problem the other day when I tried to ask my boss a question and began fumbling over my words and, you guessed it, actually could not even come up with the word I was trying to find. After a few minutes of stuttering, my boss politely took me aside so that I could make myself understood under less pressure and without having all of my coworkers staring at me. Okay, not really, what she actually did was roll her eyes at me and say "Oh my gawsh... what is it!?!" And then, I just stood there. I didn't try to finish or explain. There really wasn't a point. I felt ridiculously stupid and fortunately everybody around me now believed that too. I just could not figure out why this woman would choose to act like this. I had explained my situation to her. She knows I am epileptic. I wasn't taking up much of her time. So, what was the point? Except to make me look like an ass, I really can't come up with one.

So, yet again, I have come to the conclusion that I have done enough stalling and whining. I have to go back to school. For the last five years I have been less than 8 classes short of a bachelor's degree. I know I don't have the memory or the ability that I had back then. I know that I have had a lot of seizures and I take a lot of medicine, but I have also met a lot of idiots with their degrees. And I am sick of taking orders from this ugly wench with her ass-kissing talents and her just barely there degree.

I do apologize for the blatant whining, but it was absolutely necessary.

the worst interview in history

2005-05-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from a job interview, not any job interview...no, the worst job interview in history. In the course of forty minutes, I managed to tell these people that I am a lesbian, I am epileptic, I hate my current boss and my current job. Sounds like a great candidate to you doesn't it? Throw in the black eye from my last seizure and you've got a winning combination! How could they not choose me? And if they are stupid enough to choose me, how could I possibly work for people like that? Ugh, I need this job!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just breathe

2005-05-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I thought I was dealing with everything pretty well. I had two seizures, but I was pretty much expecting them, so no big deal, right? RIGHT??? And the fact that my girlfriend treats me like I am basically a roommate, without benefits, that is not a huge problem. I mean, at least I get cheaper rent. Right? And she is a pretty good friend. I am just not sure how much longer I can pretend that we are going to spend the rest of our lives together.

And if I squint, and don't really look at or analyze the rest of my life, it is kind of okay. Then I have those moments, those horrible moments where I realize that my seizures are not under control (I have a black eye to prove it), my girlfriend wants to date me, just not sleep with me or you know, act like she is in love with me, I have a job that is killing me, and pretty soon I am going to be very alone. I think I could deal, except I have no idea what to do now. I am pretty sure that if I thought about it, this is what terrified feels like. So, I guess I am just not going to think about it.

5 Signs That Things May Be Falling Apart

2005-05-12T19:20:00.000-07:00

1. My jeans are only truly comfortable the third day I wear them.
2. The only green food in the house is one remaining peep from Easter.
3. My grandfather actually compared me to a hag, and he used his nice voice.
4. A strange balding woman who seems to be hitting on me suggested that I like sweets too much.
5. The last time I had eight hours of sleep it was the result of a seizure.

The day my ex came to town

2005-05-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, while at work, I answered the phone to hear a familiar voice saying, "Hello, stranger". It took me about three minutes to even speak. My ex was back in town. My favorite girl in the whole world had returned.

J was 20 when I met her, five years younger than me. She was also the girl who made me realize that I could not possibly hide the fact that I loved women, that I loved her. We were together for about a year and, as so often happens, we were absolutely horrible to each other. Both of us were in bad spots, crazy would really be the more accurate description. I have never fought harder or made love more passionately with anyone. In the end, it was crushing. I broke up with her because I just couldn't take it anymore.

And now, she's back. We talked for three hours last night at a local bar. She has stopped drinking. She's trying to get her life together after falling in love with another straight girl who tore her apart. As we talked, I would look every so often at my sweet S sitting inside. S has given me the stable, reliable relationship I had been asking for, all that we are lacking is the passion. With J, everything was passion. Where is the middle ground?

So, at last, my friend, my ex is back in town. At the very least I have her back and it does feel as if we can be just friends. I was very happy to realize that last night. Despite all the memories, I think we have moved beyond that. And I have not been this excited in a long time.

Return of the dreaded seizure

2005-05-09T06:06:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, just in time for my birthday, I was hit with a seizure. I have to admit I was expecting it, though I thought it was coming on Saturday. I don't get actual auras, it is more like "something in the air", kind of like when you know a storm is coming even though the clouds have not come out yet.

The seizure held off until Sunday morning though, when I was getting ready for work. Unfortunately, I was brushing my teeth at the time, conveniently blocking the bathroom door when I fell to the floor. I am lucky I didn't choke on the toothbrush or gag on toothpaste, but all I can focus on right now is the fact that my doctor really screwed me over. I knew I shouldn't be taken off of trileptal. The other anti-convulsant isn't strong enough alone. Even the pharmaceutical companies don't recommend it alone for generalized seizures, and they usually will tell you to use their drugs for anything you can think of.

My poor girlfriend is still on edge. She couldn't get in the bathroom to help me until after I "woke up". She still looks at me like I am going to break in two. I guess I am glad I have never seen a seizure. I have a feeling they would scare me even more than they do now. My dog wouldn't leave my side either and seems to be attending to me more than usual. The cats are far less concerned. Actually, they seem to feel they have been slightly inconvenienced and would prefer it if I would not pull such stunts again. I hate epilepsy, but damn, I love my family.

Well, happy day all, and happy birthday to me!

Happy Mother's Day?

2005-05-07T18:31:00.000-07:00

Today, my very conservative and religious mother walked through my front door and whispered, "I eat p*ssy. Don't piss me off, I don't have anywhere left to hide the bodies". As it turns out, she was quoting from my neighbor's bumper stickers. Sometimes, she really scares me.

Star Star

2005-04-30T10:04:00.000-07:00

I was getting somewhere with packing and moving. Then my sister discovered one of the free Star magazines that I thought had been thrown away. I don't think I will be able to get her to move again.

Insomnia Part II

2005-04-30T01:04:00.000-07:00

I really just want to whine, so please ignore me for a second here:

I don't wanna moooooove!!!!!!!!!!! I don't like the new place, I want to stay here! Buuwaahhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I guess I feel a little better. I have been a little irrational all day (or rather, I have been a moody bitch and making people want to do me bodily harm). I freaked out this morning and gave my girlfriend a lecture on why people really own too much stuff. I was really just trying to explain that I was upset that I have accumulated more than I want, but it somehow turned onto her unbelievable amount of doo-hickeys and assorted clutter. That is one MAJOR difference between us. I hate to own more belongings than it takes to move in one trip. I have always been this way. She has mementos from every part of her life and she carries them with her. We have already moved 13 boxes, we have 27 remaining and we are not done packing. It makes me queasy just writing about it.

I am not saying I am right or wrong, this is just the way I am. It is really hard to live with her stuff, and even harder to move it. Meanwhile, she thinks I am crazy while I think I am being sensible. It isn't reasonable to me to spend money on a lot of useless stuff, that you just have pack up every year, and that you never really have room for. Not to mention, a couple of years down the line, you aren't going to remember why you have it anyway. Or at least I won't, side effect of the meds. And again, I hate clutter! Truth is, I don't even want or expect her to get rid of her stuff, it all means something to her. These are my issues. I am just upset with my own gathering of junk.

Still, I don't know how people maintain relationships with even this type of difference. It makes me question how we are going to handle a real household, not just an apartment. We are still in the phase where we constantly compromise/give in. What happens when that ends?

Sorry for endless rambling. In great need of sleep and peace.

Insomnia

2005-04-29T02:04:00.000-07:00

It is 2:05 in the freaking morning and I am still not asleep. I have to pack in the morning. I have to move tomorrow. I have a lot of stuff that I have to get done and all very, very EARLY!!!!!! And, yet, I cannot sleep. Now, I know why I am awake. I drank too much coffee today, I am stressed, and I have a terrible time getting to sleep anyway. But if my body could just do me this one little favor, just tonight, that is all I am asking, but no, that is apparently not going to happen.

So instead, I have been lying there, going over every possible thing that could go wrong tomorrow, and why we should have waited to find another apartment. I pretty much have myself convinced that the entire neighborhood is going to be filled with gay-bashing hicks. And then I moved on to worrying about my girlfriends problems and how her subletter totally screwed her over. Next it was my co-worker, her husband is cheating on her and she is so naive that she believes him when he says that he is going to break it off, but he just isn't ready yet. I don't even want to go back to bed now.

Good night all. Sweet dreams. If you have any worries or concerns, send them over my way, I will stress over them for you.

Seizures, I hope you die!

2005-04-27T09:19:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a visit with the seizure doc. He's a nice guy, a bit quirky. I like him. Not the best neurologist, but in the middle of NY and without a license, I will take what I can get. He just told me he is going to take me off one of my meds. Normally, this wouldn't be a bad idea. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, I was going to ask him if he would be willing to take me off all of my meds if I would just sacrifice my drivers license forever and take my chances. I could live life with occasional seizures but a semi-clear head. The truth is though, seizures scare the hell out of me and I could never do it.

That is the problem with his decision to take me off this medication. I will still be on the other one, and it will be nice to have fewer side effects. The six month mark is coming up though, and that is when I tend to have them. Every six months. You see, the state says that if you go six months seizure-free you can drive (at this point, I wouldn't anyway, in case you were wondering).

So, in my case, I always get to that mark, maybe even a little past it, then it hits. Boom! I'm down. I wake up, scared, somebody that I don't recognize is in my face, and I am crying because I can't remember where I am or who I am. I know that there are people out there who are suffering from horrible diseases and ailments and I have no right to complain. I just can't stand the waiting, never knowing when it is going to hit, and the unbelievable fear that I feel when it does.

But, I guess we will see. Maybe I am on the right medication this time and I just won't have one. Maybe I will never have another seizure and I will get to live a somewhat normal life. The side effects of the Topamax (or Dope-a-max for any epileptic readers) will ensure that I don't truly have a normal life, but really, who wants normal anyway?

Warning: long post about sex and relationships

2005-04-26T08:57:00.000-07:00

So, I got up the nerve and really talked with my gf. It turns out it isn't just our schedules that is keeping us from having any, well, intimate moments. There's stress in her life, which I did know about, with bills and a subletter who screwed her over. I can help her out there. Then there is me, and the part I really didn't want to hear. You know how I said I am lazy? Well, I guess it is having an effect. So much so that she is starting to resent me. I can only compare it to a housewife withholding when she's angry and can't get her husband to listen. And yeah, I do feel like an ass. She feels like I only have her around as a servant. I didn't even try to explain why I get like this, because it simply has to change. I love her too much not to try.

The odd thing is, I feel like I have been waiting for her to say something. Living alone, I didn't have any problems with household chores. Actually, everything was much cleaner than it is now, since I can't stand clutter and she seems to revel in it. When she moved in, I completely stopped cleaning, cooking and doing anything domestic for myself. It was really bizarre. And then I just waited.

I guess, subconsciously, I was waiting for her to explode or leave, but this was not what I was expecting. She just kept taking it, more and more, whatever I would put on her. I never thought about how it related to sex. She would say that it was fine and she didn't mind. Even though I knew it wasn't true, I continued pushing more on her. Did I mention I suck?

Now that it is out there, we can move on. I honestly wish there had been an argument, simply because that is what I am accustomed to, I know how to deal with it. This is much more difficult. That is the thing when you are dating somebody that is amazing (although a bit repressed), you don't get to have the blow-out fight and then feel better. We talked. I feel really guilty. And now I will work to make things better.

I am going to do the dishes now.

Old Acquaintances

2005-04-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

My eyes glaze over as she drones on and on. She has already told me that she is sick of being second in my life. Well, how about third or fourth, or really, seventh, maybe tenth? Because, she has never achieved such a high status with me before. I try to come back into focus when her already grating voice gets louder, but it seems she is only talking about another restaurant in some city I will never see. The same restaurant she told me about ten minutes ago. I allow myself to slide back into my own thoughts.

Sex..and why I'm not having it.

2005-04-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should have titled this: "Sex, why am I not having it?". Cause I am not getting any!!!!!!!!
I have a girlfriend. She's hot. I am cute. I think. Or at least I used to. I don't think there is anybody else. And, yes, I know we are both busy, but come on!!!! We are talking about sex here(please refrain from singing the lyrics to the the Salt n Pepper song here - even though it is now going through my head... "let's talk about sex, baby!"). I am dying. It is a basic need. And it has been a really looooong time. And I have become way too close to my vibrating toys lately.

Oh, the things we say

2005-04-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

Once, while drunk, I told a girl that I still loved her boyfriend and then I followed it up by saying I also loved her. She looked at me and said, "I know baby, I know." in a very understanding manner. The thing is, she didn't. I was trying to explain how there are moments in my life when I miss my past despite the drama and the pain. I miss being brutally honest or ridiculously open and knowing that nobody will care or judge. I miss being around people that I know love me, for whatever reasons.

It is hard, when you live in a world like we did, with people who all have such huge problems with drugs, alcohol and love. We were all broke and broken, all searching for the same thing. The combination of alcohol and open wounds had brought us together. Nightly, we told of our lives, our loves, our possiblities. And somehow, knowing they were there made it easier to live and eventually brought me to a version of happiness.

So, I have moved away from that group, because in the end, we all have to. But even now when I see them, I want to wrap my arms around them and hold tight until neither one of us can breathe. I want to make them safe and take that pain away. Instead, I have another drink, and maybe later I will say the wrong thing to the wrong girl, maybe make her think I want her boyfriend.

Check this out!

2005-04-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to see this movie, but in the mean time, everybody should check out the movie clip. The movie is called High Tension and is already out on DVD in Europe but will be playing here in June. http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/high_tension/ Now yes, I am obsessed with women, so I am very intrigued by the possibility that the main character is a dyke, but the movie looks incredible on its own w/o this twist.

On a more personal note, I signed the lease on an apartment today. I had to make a few compromises, but basically, I am pleased. The biggest need for me is light (severe depression over the years has shown me that light helps). Apparently though, I can't afford light. So, I will not be getting any sun in the morning, but I will be getting some in the afternoon. And you know what, I can get off my ass and go outside. I will, however, be getting a nice deck, an extra room, a view and I can bring my dog. I think I made the right choice.

Have you seen your mother, baby?

2005-04-19T08:42:00.000-07:00

Well, not much to say. So, I guess this is a good time for a brief confessional. Hell, why not? It's my blog, and nobody is reading anyway (a good thing).

I am a lazy person. I mean an extraordinarily lazy person. I have no idea why. I tend to believe it stems from being forced to do tons of housework/cooking/babysitting/maintenance as a child. Seriously, I did it all. I had two parents, but they were young and worked a lot. They depended on me to help. That was fine, but it was kind of like being an unpaid servant for a while. But really, I am probably this lazy just out of a selfish desire to not do anything that requires energy. I am okay if I am living alone, but once there is another person in my life, they are screwed. Since I am aware of this fact, I do try to work on it, or at least compensate. For example, since I don't cook or clean (or do laundry or anything), I try to pay for absolutely EVERYTHING. I buy dinners, movie tickets, gifts, whatever. Unfortunately, I don't really make that much money. And at some point, it is just not going to be enough. I still wonder why my girlfriend dates me. Or why anyone dates me.

Some have asked me if that is why I like women, so that I don't have to cook and clean. Truth is, when I was dating men, I had them picking up after me too. And I never had to pay for anything then. I am not a bad person. I actually have good qualities. This is not one of them. I love my girlfriend and plan on being with her forever. I guess this means I am going to have to start making a lot more money and hire a maid.

Pretending to have emotions

2005-04-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

I just had a long needed talk with my girlfriend. As apathetic as my meds seem to make me, I still can't bear to see her cry. I don't know if our discussion will really help anything, when our problems seem to center around our core differences, but I can hope. I love her. I just don't know if I can live like this. Well, I can say this, the prozac does take the sting out of these situations. Too bad it sucks the joy out of life as well.

Seizure dogs and days off

2005-04-15T08:40:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about getting a "seizure dog". Now, I don't truly need one. I am pretty well controlled on meds, but it would be really cool to be able to legally take my dog with me everywhere. The truth is, this could never happen as the cost for one of these dogs is ridiculous and I wouldn't be able to get financial aid as I am only having seizures every 6 months at this point.

The other option would be to have my own dog, Megha, trained/certified as a seizure dog. Now this poses another problem. You see, my dog knows me very well. We are very close. Unfortunately, he does not seem to have any idea when a seizure is coming, which is what I need. He is very good about staying close to me afterward, and he is very comforting, but he just doesn't have the ability to sense a seizure. Therefore, he can't help by alerting me or blocking me from hitting my head. But, oh, he is so good and so cute. Everybody should have a dog like mine, I will have to post a picture and give more details later - (he was an abused pit bull/lab that I adopted from a shelter. He almost died once and I didn't have the money to save him, but Cornell Vet School paid for his care b/c they "liked him so much they couldn't help it").

Now, my parents have a dog that can sense my seizures. She seems to know when I am about to have one and she starts to act weird. There is a problem here though. This dog, well, how do I say this in polite terms? She's a bitch. Can I say that here? She is my father's little princess and she knows it. She doesn't really care if I have a seizure, she actually seems a little annoyed. In general, she becomes annoyed any time she is not getting attention, so I don't think she would be much help.

So, I guess my dreams of taking a dog to work will never be realized, but maybe I will do a little more work with Megha. He loves me so much, and I love him so, I am sure he could learn. And yeah, I realize this has been a pretty much pointless entry, but it is my day off and I just feel like writing about easy stuff!

Why am I setting up a blog?

2005-04-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

I have often thought about doing this, so why today? Well, the answer is clear. Because I am supposed to be working on my resume and applying for a new job. Obvious, right? I should mention now that I do not have any literary talent, unless you count that award I received for poetry in the seventh grade, and well, even I am not sure why they gave it to me.

That being said, I suppose an introduction would be an appropriate place to start. I am 28, live in central NY with my fabulous girlfriend and work as a receptionist in a medical center. I was diagnosed with epilepsy when I was 16 and it has messed with my head ever since. Let's just say, I have issues. The amusing part though, my parents believe all my "faults" are related to the seizures. For example, my mother believes my being a lesbian is in some part due to epilepsy.

Along with the epilepsy, there's the depression, my constant companion for so many years now that I cannot count. I don't expect there will be a time when it is not around, so I deal. I think I handle it better now than I ever have, but I do imagine it will be a frequent topic. One of the reasons I wanted to start this blog was to have an opportunity to just "let it out". Not whine, although I do that well too, but a chance to articulate what is going through my head without having to scare those around me. Many people who haven't dealt with depression tend to have very intense reactions to my emotional experiences. My girlfriend is one of those people. Man, I love her.

Well, I am going to try this. Please bear with me while I work out the kinks. So, yeah, toodles.