It has been quite a while since I have posted here. Well, I am today b/c I needed a little privacy. Hee hee. Anyway, the thing is, you see.. well. I was in love with a girl, completely. I think she may have loved me too. For my part, I didn't know how to love. What was once wonderful and exciting quickly became twisted and ugly. All I knew was fear and torment. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I knew that something just wasn't right.
She, if she loved me at all, could not trust anybody, especially me. Since she always expected to be hurt, she never let me in. In her defense, I did manage to fulfill those expectations. And she did the same to me.
Somebody once told me that those who stay to fight it out with you are the ones who love you most. At the end, I fought as hard as I could. She chose not to fight at all. Instead, she found somebody else to love, very quickly. Actually, she found the person before we actually broke up. I would love to say that I have accepted this, that I have accepted the fact that she loves somebody else and was able to give me up without a second thought. But ya know, I am trying really hard not to lie, and who would actually believe any of that anyway?
When I can block out the new girl in her life, I try to figure out what actually went wrong. I can't speak for S. Maybe she wasn't ready, maybe she didn't know what she wanted, maybe she thought I just sucked. Who knows? I am getting a better handle on my role in the disaster. Nobody likes to be hurt, especially by somebody they love so much. My response to this fear was to try to be in control. Really, this just means that I convinced myself that I didn't care for her as much as she cared for me. To prove this, I went to the extreme. I did everything I could to hurt her, to make sure that I appeared distant, and to be sure that I had other options. I sound like a great girlfriend, don't I? She had her own tactics, but I can't explain her life for her.
The thing is, what do I do now? I still love her, I still miss her. I am getting better about it all. I am moving on. I don't feel like I can date somebody else at this point. That may be a good thing though. Maybe I can actually have a good relationship someday. Somewhere, in the back of my head, I still wish that relationship could be with her.
Damn, at some point, I have to get her out of my head! Tomorrow I am actually going into a bar in Denver (one where they have actual gay people... ooh!), and I have been talking to a girl from around here. Who knows?
She, if she loved me at all, could not trust anybody, especially me. Since she always expected to be hurt, she never let me in. In her defense, I did manage to fulfill those expectations. And she did the same to me.
Somebody once told me that those who stay to fight it out with you are the ones who love you most. At the end, I fought as hard as I could. She chose not to fight at all. Instead, she found somebody else to love, very quickly. Actually, she found the person before we actually broke up. I would love to say that I have accepted this, that I have accepted the fact that she loves somebody else and was able to give me up without a second thought. But ya know, I am trying really hard not to lie, and who would actually believe any of that anyway?
When I can block out the new girl in her life, I try to figure out what actually went wrong. I can't speak for S. Maybe she wasn't ready, maybe she didn't know what she wanted, maybe she thought I just sucked. Who knows? I am getting a better handle on my role in the disaster. Nobody likes to be hurt, especially by somebody they love so much. My response to this fear was to try to be in control. Really, this just means that I convinced myself that I didn't care for her as much as she cared for me. To prove this, I went to the extreme. I did everything I could to hurt her, to make sure that I appeared distant, and to be sure that I had other options. I sound like a great girlfriend, don't I? She had her own tactics, but I can't explain her life for her.
The thing is, what do I do now? I still love her, I still miss her. I am getting better about it all. I am moving on. I don't feel like I can date somebody else at this point. That may be a good thing though. Maybe I can actually have a good relationship someday. Somewhere, in the back of my head, I still wish that relationship could be with her.
Damn, at some point, I have to get her out of my head! Tomorrow I am actually going into a bar in Denver (one where they have actual gay people... ooh!), and I have been talking to a girl from around here. Who knows?
posted by Addie at 11:42 PM
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