Random Thoughts

1. My ex really was ugly
2. In general, I suck as a human being
3. Nobody should have two girlfriends
4. If you don't want kids, menstruating should be optional
5. I always thought I was just average in bed. The past two days
have proven me wrong
6. But yeah, in general, I still suck as a person
7. Maybe I am just not the type of girl who should be in actual relationships
8. I have only dated hot girls, except the ugly ex, and I dated her the longest
9. Apparently, I not only suck, but I am also stupid
10.I am pretty sure that at the end of all this, all three of us will be hurt
11. Damn, I suck

So, I fucked up. I moved here to let go of the demons from my past. How was I to know that most of those demons were inside of me?

Everything started out so well. I met M, I fell in love and believed I could be with her forever. And then I met A. She somehow managed to take hold of my heart and left me confused and scared. Not knowing what to do, I took the advice of a friend. It should have dawned on me that this advice may be tainted, as she was a close friend of A's and only wanted the best for her. This advice led me to break up with M and begin a relationship with A. The night of the break up was one of the worst nights of my life. We both sobbed and held eachother for a long time. She let me know how much she was hurting and how she would always be in love with me. We made love. All the while I was questioning my decision and didn't know if I could possibly leave M. And then I left.

With A, it did seem easy and warm. She expressed all of her feelings for me, making me nervous due to their intensity. We became closer and closer. "I love you"s were exchanged. I was still afraid that my fickle heart was playing with me, and in turn, I was going to hurt others. I thought of M endlessly, but I also found that I cared for A very much. They have both been hurt by others in the past. They both expected that I would never be like the rest. A is the most vulnerable. Her romantic history is brief and she has been rejected so very many times. She recently lost a large part of her family due to various ailments. She is so fragile. I don't want to be the one to ever hurt her. Yet M also plagues my mind and my heart. They are both so giving and loving. They are both so kind.

What do I do now? Or do I just wait for my time to burn in hell?

Enough is enough

Okay, I have had it. I have been continuing the same old cycle for way too long now and I am done! To the ugly wench: burn in hell, bitch.

Do you ever wish you could shut off your brain for just a little while? My mind is reeling, and all because of somebody else's stupidity. I need to stop thinking.

She used to brag about how much she masturbated. A treasure chest sat in her bedroom filled with various devices to aid her in this hobby. We never had sex. That isn't true, we rarely had sex. During the last nine months of our relationship, we were down to once a month. I wanted to believe her; we were too busy, too tired or just in a rut. After a while, she even stopped masturbating. I think she felt too guilty, knowing that she was fantasizing about somebody other than me.

I couldn't get over it and I couldn't rationalize it. I could only wonder what was wrong with me.

I was crying uncontrollably. I wasn't used to crying, I hadn't actually cried in years. Lately, though, I would break down at the slightest provocation. The day before, a lemonade commercial had me sobbing for an hour. That's what going off the meds does to you, at least that's what they told me. Withdrawal or some shit like that.

But now I had something real to cry about. For a year and a half I had been dating and living with a girl who I thought was a hindrance. I had truly believed that something was wrong with her or me. I suddenly realized that it was all ending, and that I had been wrong. I loved her. I loved her deeply. Everything that she had ever done or said was haunting me. I knew that she was in the apartment next to ours, connecting with the plain girl with the bad hair. And there was nothing I could do.

I honestly can't remember the last time I felt this ugly.